in the moment
Posted on May 20th, 2008
by 
Lash
Lash
my life finds me these days in a plot of timing, gathering and action.
I have not been a person who has ever planned for an event. My organisational style has been somewhat haphazard. The extent of my 'plans' that have driven my life thus far are at best inspired by the moment.
A 'friend' came over to visit me one winters day and asked if I would like some heroin. Sure, sounds like a good idea. I was 23 and a half - yes that half year is important.
I remember one night at about 11p.m, with one of my lovers, deciding to move to eastern states. So, at 1a.m. we packed the car, and at 2a.m. we set off. At 4a.m. we lost our load, literally. Our belongings were strewn along the highway between Perth and Kalgoolie.. After collecting and tying down our load again, we set of..again.. We arrived in Victoria 4 days later, sweating and sick..clinically and spiritually detoxing (this wouldn't be the last time). We were driven by the devil it would seem. All this without a second thought. I was 26.
On another day, I thought that it was a fine day to give up drugs. The next day I admitted my self into a detox program, and detoxed using a medical intervention that would ensure no more heroin. I was 31.
About a week later I thought therapy sounded like a good idea, now i am leaving therapy. I am 35 - nearly 36.
One day I woke up and thought I am going to do a degree. Three weeks later I was attending univeristy full time. Writing essays, attending tutorials, making the grade. Again, without a second thought.
About 2 months ago, I thought I am going to defer uni, go up north, make some money that will enable me more choice... Today i write letters and speak to beurocracy. These wheels of motion drive me forward, each signaling an intention.
This is real time.
My second thoughts are all around me now. I am taking maticulous care of what is going in what pile - my box packing wreaks of OCD, and my paperwork is astonishing in its order. Me trying to control the many unknowns? perhaps.
I am present in these moments...while I wait for the right timings to align before taking certain actions. I am entertaining many beginnings, and nurturing their life with the resources before me. As always, the myriad of possibilities are fractal lights offering me guidance and motivation. I have moments when I am frozen by fear, this dissolves as my mantra 'of this too shall pass - as everything does' kicks in.
On a personal level, I have a rough plan in my head, but if my past is anything to go by, these plans could change with a new moment. Intuitively, I feel that I am going to be experiencing some climatic shocks. I note a new terror at the thought of being cold.. I sense I will need sunglasses, hence having acquired about 4 pairs in the last two months. I am shivering now with the winter winds, but in a few weeks, sleeping with a sheet I may be too hot?
Globally, the earth is screaming...floods, famine, cyclones and quakes are very real. I know that my journey can be snatched at any moment throwing my survival into chaos.
This is all I know, if you can call it 'knowing'.
Who knows.
I have no regrets about any of these moments and my decisions I have made within them.
I have not been a person who has ever planned for an event. My organisational style has been somewhat haphazard. The extent of my 'plans' that have driven my life thus far are at best inspired by the moment.
A 'friend' came over to visit me one winters day and asked if I would like some heroin. Sure, sounds like a good idea. I was 23 and a half - yes that half year is important.
I remember one night at about 11p.m, with one of my lovers, deciding to move to eastern states. So, at 1a.m. we packed the car, and at 2a.m. we set off. At 4a.m. we lost our load, literally. Our belongings were strewn along the highway between Perth and Kalgoolie.. After collecting and tying down our load again, we set of..again.. We arrived in Victoria 4 days later, sweating and sick..clinically and spiritually detoxing (this wouldn't be the last time). We were driven by the devil it would seem. All this without a second thought. I was 26.
On another day, I thought that it was a fine day to give up drugs. The next day I admitted my self into a detox program, and detoxed using a medical intervention that would ensure no more heroin. I was 31.
About a week later I thought therapy sounded like a good idea, now i am leaving therapy. I am 35 - nearly 36.
One day I woke up and thought I am going to do a degree. Three weeks later I was attending univeristy full time. Writing essays, attending tutorials, making the grade. Again, without a second thought.
About 2 months ago, I thought I am going to defer uni, go up north, make some money that will enable me more choice... Today i write letters and speak to beurocracy. These wheels of motion drive me forward, each signaling an intention.
This is real time.
My second thoughts are all around me now. I am taking maticulous care of what is going in what pile - my box packing wreaks of OCD, and my paperwork is astonishing in its order. Me trying to control the many unknowns? perhaps.
I am present in these moments...while I wait for the right timings to align before taking certain actions. I am entertaining many beginnings, and nurturing their life with the resources before me. As always, the myriad of possibilities are fractal lights offering me guidance and motivation. I have moments when I am frozen by fear, this dissolves as my mantra 'of this too shall pass - as everything does' kicks in.
On a personal level, I have a rough plan in my head, but if my past is anything to go by, these plans could change with a new moment. Intuitively, I feel that I am going to be experiencing some climatic shocks. I note a new terror at the thought of being cold.. I sense I will need sunglasses, hence having acquired about 4 pairs in the last two months. I am shivering now with the winter winds, but in a few weeks, sleeping with a sheet I may be too hot?
Globally, the earth is screaming...floods, famine, cyclones and quakes are very real. I know that my journey can be snatched at any moment throwing my survival into chaos.
This is all I know, if you can call it 'knowing'.
going somewhere?
Who knows.
I have no regrets about any of these moments and my decisions I have made within them.
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action
June 2008